ok, this may get a bit lengthy but I will try my best to sum it up short and to the point...
My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for about 7 years... but have been back in a serious monogamous relationship for over a year... (this being our third time). Lately our sex-life has really drifted. First I thought it was because of my school schedule, which was a bit crazy last semester for about 3 months... and now I guess my excuse is that our work schedules are conflicting...
but honestly, for some reason, I seem to have lost that yearning to just jump his bones and get it on! What the hell? This is totally not like me. I mean the last relationship I was in, we couldn't get enough sex.. We'd have sex for hours... I could not lay next to that guy without wanting him... and the crazy part... the guy I am with now is the best. He is a wonderful guy. Although lately I am noticing that there are quite a few differences between us, our personalities and such... He is attractive, has a great smile, and those eyes that I adore... but I feel like the passion is gone...
I just don't know what to do... I feel like I have a tendency to try and mess things up before they get there, maybe as kind of a self-defense mechanism or something...
oh I don't know... I love him, I have loved him for the past 7 years... but now I sit here pondering if this is enough for me? and it seems like its not just the sex.
I go through these stages, or periods in my life, where I feel one way, and then it changes and I feel another way. I was so excited when we got back together... thinking of how great we are and then it got serious enough for me to think how I want to marry him and have kids with him. Now the thought of that kinda freaks me out... what is going on with me!?!?!?
is it me? Can I fix it? Am I over analyzing this?
And on top of this, I have recently hung out with two guys who I kinda had a little interest in about a year ago, both instances were fun, and I noticed an obvious connection, though not sure if only sexual... nothing happened, just hung out, caught up on life and had a great time. but good conversation, which to me is partially what seems to be missing out of my current relationship. He is just one of those guys who isn't a talker... and well... I am... so maybe that has something to do with it?
I am lost.. and don't know what to think....
how do you know when it is right... and for good? I can't tell if its me just making something out of nothing, or me noticing something that is not there.... how can you tell?
My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for about 7 years... but have been back in a serious monogamous relationship for over a year... (this being our third time). Lately our sex-life has really drifted. First I thought it was because of my school schedule, which was a bit crazy last semester for about 3 months... and now I guess my excuse is that our work schedules are conflicting...
but honestly, for some reason, I seem to have lost that yearning to just jump his bones and get it on! What the hell? This is totally not like me. I mean the last relationship I was in, we couldn't get enough sex.. We'd have sex for hours... I could not lay next to that guy without wanting him... and the crazy part... the guy I am with now is the best. He is a wonderful guy. Although lately I am noticing that there are quite a few differences between us, our personalities and such... He is attractive, has a great smile, and those eyes that I adore... but I feel like the passion is gone...
I just don't know what to do... I feel like I have a tendency to try and mess things up before they get there, maybe as kind of a self-defense mechanism or something...
oh I don't know... I love him, I have loved him for the past 7 years... but now I sit here pondering if this is enough for me? and it seems like its not just the sex.
I go through these stages, or periods in my life, where I feel one way, and then it changes and I feel another way. I was so excited when we got back together... thinking of how great we are and then it got serious enough for me to think how I want to marry him and have kids with him. Now the thought of that kinda freaks me out... what is going on with me!?!?!?
is it me? Can I fix it? Am I over analyzing this?
And on top of this, I have recently hung out with two guys who I kinda had a little interest in about a year ago, both instances were fun, and I noticed an obvious connection, though not sure if only sexual... nothing happened, just hung out, caught up on life and had a great time. but good conversation, which to me is partially what seems to be missing out of my current relationship. He is just one of those guys who isn't a talker... and well... I am... so maybe that has something to do with it?
I am lost.. and don't know what to think....
how do you know when it is right... and for good? I can't tell if its me just making something out of nothing, or me noticing something that is not there.... how can you tell?
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Sacramento
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Re: how can you tell?
06/21Heartwise free your life from the expectations (where's the sex?) and do the things that feel natural, -not- what you thinki should still be happening.
The result is the result. :)
~ Kole -
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Re: how can you tell?
06/21what do you mean?
how can I free myself from expectations when I feel that sex is an important part of a relationship?
are you saying just let things happen rather than try to make things happen?
I have been... and it all just seems so... empty.
That sounds really bad, but thats how I feel, and don't know how else to say it -
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Re: how can you tell?
06/21Have you communicated to your boyfriend what you have communicated to us?
What was his reaction?
If you haven't talked to him, why not? -
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Re: how can you tell?
06/22I have talked to him, and he isn't much of a talker (that is one of my issues with him a lot of the time) when we talk about things, its mostly me talking, I mean I give him plenty of opportunity. I am open and honest at all times, I tell him everything I am thinking, not too much so that he will go crazy, but enough so that he knows what is on my mind and never has to question my thoughts. But it seems every time I talk to him I almost get more frustrated, because he has nothing to say really. And he always brings up, that he is just not a very talkative guy, and that I knew that when I got with him, well he knows me too, and he knows how I am the talkative type. I like to get things out in the open, and deal with them, that way you can move on and grow... he seems to feel like we shouldn't discuss things... or "argue" to me its not arguing when you talk things out... its compromising and communicating..
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Re: how can you tell?
06/21sex waxes and wanes like the phases of the moon. if it was good and now it's not, just wait.... it'll come back again. unless there is a fatal flaw somewhere. but you may find there's something fundamentally wrong.. Then you'll know to move on. Or not. =) you seem like a pretty smart young lady and have figured out that life is always changing and, often times, you get to decide where the changes occur.
Ask any long term couple what their sex life has been like. I'd hazard a guess that it is up and down.... (pun intended)
truth be told, there have been more than a couple of ladies in my past who ALWAYS turned me on 100% of the time, anytime. All of the time. Most were very sexual but, unfortunately, over time they couldn't be monogamous even though I supplied them with all the sex they could handle.
If you think the grass is greener then the grass is greener. and hopefully your BF will still be single and available when you realize it is not.
it happened with me and my ex wife..... ;-)
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Re: how can you tell?
06/22>>If you think the grass is greener then the grass is greener. and hopefully your BF will still be single and available when you realize it is not. <<
see that's the thing though. I know its not. I went through my single phase, and so did he, and then we got back together...
so I have "been there. done that." has my promiscuous time, and I want to settle down. But I am afraid. I mean, I wonder if he is the right type for me. I have a bit of a wild side, and I like someone who pushes that craziness out of me, and has fun with it... I like a man who can handle me in bed. I mean I have gone through these phases before where I am not as much in the mood, but the guy would just pick me up and push me against the wall, bed, whatever and kiss me, and whoofta!!! I wanna go right there!!! but he doesn't seem to have this assertiveness. I mean when we do have sex, it is great. Lately not as great as in the past, but I am willing to bet like you said we all have ups and downs... that's why I am not going anywhere just yet. He is worth it and more for me to stick around to see if this will work. I don' know, I feel like I am crazy! and its driving me nuts! -
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Re: how can you tell?
06/22you know, you can tell him that. i had a girl tell me once that she wanted me to be more assertive. i didn't know at the time she was into that. i was glad she told me, rather than decide on her own that i couldn't do it for her & then therefore leave.
i'm sure you're no stranger to the concept that roles have changed considerably for men & women. sometimes we don't know how to act. sometimes we need you to tell us how to act. -
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Re: how can you tell?
06/22I have told him...
he says that he has tried with me, and that I don't respond well, or let him when he does...
its hard to explain, but for some reason, that doesn't seem to work for him... and us... I don't know if its him, or maybe its me...
maybe for some reason I am not responsive to that with him... I don't know...
but I have told him. Like I said, I tell him whats on my mind and it just seems like he doesn't know how to fix it, and neither do I
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Re: how can you tell?
06/22So he's not 'pushing that craziness' out of you, and thus it's affecting you.
Figure out the change in him, whether or not it's a phase, and decide if you can deal with it, whatever it ends up being.
~ Kole -
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Re: how can you tell?
06/22Ever heard of the "7 year itch"?
You've been together, for the most part, for 7 years.
Ride it out. If the feelings are the same a few months from now...re-evaluate.
Partners will still be out there and a few months more couldn't hurt, but could help.
Try remembering how things were in the beginning and rekindle some of that, plus add in some new twists.
Betcha -
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Re: how can you tell?
06/22I tried that the other day.. I spontaneously decided after work that we'd go up to tahoe, and I got us a hotel room right by the lake, found a cool restaurant to have dinner at... had live music, was just kind of a chill place... we went, he was so glad that I was spontaneous about it. we had fun, but we ended up getting into an argument. And once again, I was talking way more, and hoping for some sort of a response... and as usual, got hardly any....
we did end up going to a sex shop and getting a toy, which was a first for us, and it was fun, and definitely brought in a little more kinky side which I liked, and I could tell he did too... but still, just kinda felt off... I don't know how to explain...
but didn't feel like I expected... maybe thats it... I am expecting things to be a certain way... I never really thought I did, I just expect them to feel natural and flow like they normally do, but lately they haven't... does that make sense? -
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Re: how can you tell?
06/22yeah, it makes sense. i understand what you're saying. i don't really know how to answer this.
i'm curious, though--how is it you ended up getting into an argument? what was it about?
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Re: how can you tell?
06/22Keep the conversation going from time to time, but...not too much and learn to re-explore each other and your likes and desires.
Try both of you taking the "Purity Test"(Google it) with an agreement of complete honesty on your desires.
Compare our results and you both may be surprised, along with knowing a new, cool, direction(s) to go on some things to spice up the love life.
One key agreement ahead of time that is necessary...Both must agree to no "hurt-butt feelings from the honesty.
Betcha
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Re: how can you tell?
06/22"but didn't feel like I expected... maybe thats it... I am expecting things to be a certain way... I never really thought I did, I just expect them to feel natural and flow like they normally do, but lately they haven't... does that make sense?"
Red,
You acted with a bit of spontaneity with the excursion, but you still had things planned in your head. I think that is where you need to think about, stop thinking ahead, plan a bit as far as location, time, or some other minimal part of things and then just let the rest happen. It can be simple as thinking, in order for us to start to get away I'll go get tickets to this show tonight, what happens after that..don't think about it, just let it happen. Pre-planned anything, is not spontaneous, it is planned with expectations. I'd much rather go out with the expectation of having fun, and not being disappointed by the fact that, what I thought might happened because I had it all planned didn't happen. Enjoy things that you are given to experience, not disappointed by what you expected and didn't get.
Lynn -
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Re: how can you tell?
06/23still getting under the influence?
rarely helps a situation.....
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