Communication man to woman...

Oh come now treasure... You know it makes ya hot when us guys snarl and show our teeth to ya...

JSin

and if you feel any inkling at all that your communication was misunderstood - ASK! This has been the hangup in my world. I get a feeling from their response that what I said was 'colored' one way or another and if I don't clarify, it all goes to shit.

I'd rather hash through a misunderstanding the moment it happens than have it thrown back in my face at a later date, or have it haunt me until I blow up...

listen, answer honestly, clarify, listen some more

What was that?... I'm sorry I was thinking about a buffy built out of legos.

JSin

I think a component of it is to identify what sort of information is being transfered. If a man is l;ooking to deepen connections and move forward toward a deeper level of intimacy then a more female mode of communication would be called for. In my view at least then the general male model would need to be modified to accomplish that.

If one is dealing with a problem or information that is critical to the mechanics of how something is going to work the male model is more appropriate.


Certainly one style is not better than another they are simply different.

JSin

Hmm, it has made a difference to me. Saying "I think.." instead of just laying out whatever my hypothesis is does seem to lower the number of times people get offended by what I say. Saying "I feel..." also tends to clue some of my less emotionally in tune friends into the fact that I'm just discussing feelings at the moment and not facts or even hypotheses. But, yes, if folks just aren't listening to you there isn't much you can do. They won't hear.
I would also like to draw a distinction between emotional communication and being emotional, as I see them as differently. Emotional communication, for me, involves communication from the perspective of how we are feeling. It doesn't mean acting out how we are feeling. When I am communicating logically I disregard my emotional attachments to issues and think of consequences and capabilities. When I am communicating emotionally I let people know how actions will make me feel and how I am feeling in this moment. When I get emotional then I start communicating erratically and irrationally, sometimes accusatively, with the end result of not effectively communication what I think OR what I feel.

Really the biggest help to me has simply been realizing that other people don't necessarily mean what I would mean were I saying what they are saying. People communicate differently, and it goes way beyond just male or female, emotional or logical, calm or agitated. There are scads of different communication styles. The biggest challenge then, for me, is recognizing what a person's style and learning to communicate with them in a way that they will hear what I MEAN and use words in a way that they will interpret them correctly.

"... just because you had the thought, doesn't mean I heard it". ;-)

O.K., now - I was being somewhat facetious regarding my husband, but the core truth is that it truly is an *amazing* gift to speak your heart's truth to your partner, and to really be *heard*, and how wonderful it is to give them the same gift in return! No judgments, no filters; just being present for them is a big deal.

I'm also smart enough to know that if I don't spell something out for my lover, I sure as hell can't expect them to just figure it out on my own. To expect otherwise would be both cruel and crazy-making. If you need or want something; if something is dead-important to you; fucking *TELL* me - don't expect me to just miraculously discover it on my own. Again, not psychic, shouldn't be expected to be. :o)

>3) follow the KiS strategy - Keep it Simple :)

I think that would inevitably result from proper application of #1 and #2, unless the real question, itself, is not a simple question.

To be fair, though, the real question is almost always simpler than the one asked or answered.

That's a large part of the problem I meant to address.

"#2 is spot on. It's complete arrogance to expect ANYONE to respond verbally to your body language/tonallity cues. Expect them to respond with body language/tonality, if you want to get wrapped up in the packing of the gift (the presentation of the message)."

Seriously. I've dated two "psychics" and they just couldn't comprehend that body language DOESN'T translate into a detailed list of their issues in iambic pentameter and full color illustrations. If I start to see major body language that;s out of sync with the message, particular a curt one, I refer back to question #2. Yeah, some questions are scary or just obvious to you, but if it's that important please be willing to be direct about it.

Many good points, but one significant point missing, as the guys seem to be trying to coddle a bit on this thread and be liked.
Get to the point. Stop beating around the bush. Stop making a story that lasts 45 seconds into a 10 minute storyline because you feel uncomfortable.
Where it comes to logical vs. emotional this is a big problem.
Many women like to be the center of attention for as long as they can hold the man into the conversation.
This can get really annoying over time.
Yes, there are moments that require longer, deeper conversation, but not EVERY conversation has to be that way.
I'm fortunate that I am married to a woman that is tomboy at heart, but not in looks.
She does have her moments where I say to 'stop beating around the bush', but usually she gets to it.
Many men didn't get raised on romance novels or fairytales or get caught up in the chick flicks, so we tend to 'check out', think on other things, etc. when a woman goes into a storyline and then we try to grasp the main points in between.
Sometimes we don't and get chewed on for 'not paying attention', but honestly...... *though your guy might tell you different so you don't kick his ass with deprivation*.....it seems worth it.
Think of it like this; How many movies are really good of all the one's released in a year?
If you equate that to a long story to listen to, on a regular basis, how many times is a guy going to hear everything said?
We learn to skip through the emotional/ romance story part, until the logic finally appears in the conversation and then have to snap out of our daydream.
There's 3 types of guys that would disagree with this
1. The gay guy, who thinks more like a female than a male.
2. The guy who will white lie it, so you don't kick his ass for agreeing that this makes perfect sense, as it is easier to give a silent Hoorah, then deal with all the turmoil that my post could create in a battle of the sexes at home.
3. The guy who wants to get in your pants, acts like they are 'sensitive' or 'spiritual' and makes your guy appear to be insensitive with little remarks here and little remarks there. This is the worst of the lot and here is a great example of what they will do(As long as it stays up)
people.tribe.net/052c0265-...7acc498093
people.tribe.net/052c0265-...178f9736ef
The spiritual ones do the fake 'shaman' thing, but they all have the goal....get in your pants, no matter what it takes and who it hurts.

I am a man. I love most things about women. I just tire of sitting through a story that can be summarized quickly and then we can go back to hanging out and having fun or holding my woman when she has finished the story or quick summary and needs some T.L.C..
She gives that to me, why shouldn't I give it back?
Some would say that is part of why I should sit through all the storylines, but I disagree.
She knows I love her, she knows I will listen to her go on about the same thing time and again, where I would have resolved the problem before time number 3. I love what she says when she talks of her thoughts, emotions, spirituality. I just don't care much for stories that are used to stall off getting to the point that one is afraid to get to.
How have the stories gone down to a minimum?
I accept her on things that she thinks would have people ready to run out the door screaming.
Do we fight? Yeah, not that often as a whole, but when money is tight and change is occurring; life happens and part of life is a fight here and there.
Will I ever figure out the whole and complexities of a woman?
No, just like everyone else.
Sometimes I think on those complexities, but to do so all the time would drive a man insane.
Betcha.....
......I have much more to say on this, but, lol, I tire of telling stories or parables at the moment. ;-)