Guys, The lady I am chasing here in Oz is very concerned that we slept together on our 1st date. We have bounced off each other and dated others, but recently have made a serious attempt at looking at ourselves as a couple. This issue of sleeping together on the 1st date comes up and is seen to erode some of the romance that a stereo type 1st date with a serious guy should be like for her. We are in our mid forties, so not kids, but it's still a big issue for her. I am fine with it. For me it's how we genuinely feel for each other when out of the bedroom that is important, not a moment of lust many months ago.
Over to you
Rossco
Over to you
Rossco
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Melbourne
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Wed, July 16, 2008 - 4:14 PMIn my experience, that "we fucked too soon," excuse is the kiss of death. It's an easy way to tell you, "I'm just not interested." Leave! -
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Wed, July 16, 2008 - 5:23 PMIf you two BOTH want it to work, then you both need to work on deprogramming the thought from her head. If what she was told really worked for her in the past(The programming), then you two wouldn't be making an attempt right now.
The world is full of silly propaganda, set by those who classify themselves above others and, typically, haven't the relationship they promote to others. The standards that work...only those that are an enmeshing of the two people trying to build a relationship. The rest of the "normal" standards and "normal" peoples thoughts are b.s. if you desire a good relationship between the two of you.
My wife and I had sex the first time we met in person.Five+ years later...it's allllll good.
Betcha -
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Wed, July 16, 2008 - 6:05 PMMy wife and I had sex the first time we met in person.Five+ years later...it's allllll good.
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Thank you.
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Wed, July 16, 2008 - 7:53 PMMy guess is, she never looked at you and said, "I think we had sex too soon." -
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Thu, July 17, 2008 - 3:30 PM"My guess is, she never looked at you and said, "I think we had sex too soon."
No. On the other side of it, we had communicated and got to know each other for 3 weeks prior through email and the phone.
Also, I don't know of any person who I have ever been with, we had sex and I heard the words "I think we had sex too soon."
Even if that would have happened...no relationship is the same as another, no two people are alike, so I have tried, as much as possible, to not compare people, or make any prior judgments just because one person was f'd up to me.
I think it's wrong to hold others accountable for another's actions.
It's good to live and learn and be able to see some traits, both positive and negative, but...never make the mistake of assuming that one person will do things exactly as another.
If you do that, then you will be screwed at the possibility of ever having a good relationship after having a few failed ones.
Betcha
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Wed, July 16, 2008 - 6:04 PMIn my experience, that "we fucked too soon," excuse is the kiss of death. It's an easy way to tell you, "I'm just not interested." Leave!
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Uh, no. She simply wants to make sure he's interested in her and not just a notch on the bedboard. Now l don't think he should have to constantly reassure her that's the case, because that indicates self-esteem issues on her part. lt doesn't mean that she's telling him to sod off. l understand her need for a little reassurance, and the 'we fucked too soon' is more likely to be a statement that she'd like to slow down just a bit and get more comfortable with him. lt's not a dismissal. lt's an "l want to make sure what your intentions are.".
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Wed, July 16, 2008 - 7:28 PMif someone wants to find an excuse to make something NOT work, they will. on the other hand if a realtionship is meant to be long-term it will be, whether you had sex on the first date or the 10th - it don't matter a lick.
not that it can be considered long-term yet, but i had sex with my current love on the first date and we've been blissfully happy for two years now and looking forward t many more =] -
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Thu, July 17, 2008 - 3:32 PMI 2nd what both Ali and Subby said.
Betcha
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Thu, July 17, 2008 - 3:40 PMWell, I for one, can understand the "specialness" of waiting a bit, to let tension build.....but as far as how much it affects a long-term relationship, I think it is almost meaningless. I've had great, great, relationships that have started with sex on the first day (or date), and I've had crappy ones that started long and slow.
I have friends who did it in the first date, and KNEW it was the right thing within hours of meeting. It's a crazy world, and everyone is different, but it would be silly to compromise a great relationship simply because you connected physically on the first date. All that you ask yourself (or in this case, HER) is....."do you want to be here with me today? And do you want to be here with me tomorrow?"
Beyond that, it's just the normal work that goes into any relationship....
So, I agree with stubbygirl.........it matters not a lick. (Interesting choice of words, stubbygirl, LOL)
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Thu, July 17, 2008 - 6:29 PMShe shouldn't have fucked you.
That, or should've (she's in her 40's?) known better than to confuse her ideal long-term relationship with what may not typify that for her in her behavior (i.e. fucking you on the 1st date).
As long as YOU are feeling as strongly about her as she is about you, and that your intentions do match hers, then you're good to go.
It's not your job to reassure her of your intentions, but it can certainly help the situation if you -continue- to show through your actions that sex on the 1st date is not (and continues to not) effect the dynamic of your love for her.
Out,
~ Kole -
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Fri, July 18, 2008 - 1:32 AM"too soon"? Too soon for what?
I've never understood that. I believe passion follows its own imperatives. -
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Fri, July 18, 2008 - 7:21 AMExactly! And what good does it do to look back on something that was beautiful and express regret and remorse about it? It's a smoke screen for something else.
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Fri, July 18, 2008 - 7:33 AMA bit of an update guys
More detail on my bloggy thingy, but the summary version is I have had to let her go. Tonight I cooked alovely meal, champagne for her, a dvd and an opportunity for sex, but we talked instead... she has accepted a second date with a guy (I know all about this) I want her head to be clear just in case she likes this guy,...... yes would rather it all wasn't happening, but I have to let her go and stop having buddy sex... I have to give her a chance... she knows how I feel, but to accept a second date from a guy means she is not my partner and if she is ever going to be, she needs to have her head right...me screwing her between dates isn't fair to me, her or anyone else...
so there you go.... see Aussies can fuck up a good relationship just like the best of them..
Rossco -
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Fri, July 18, 2008 - 12:51 PMYup...saw that one coming. Sorry, but you did the right thing...Don't let this experience dictate the next one, however. Live your passions!
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Fri, July 18, 2008 - 12:58 PMGood luck and godspeed, Rosco.
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Sat, July 19, 2008 - 5:38 AM"so there you go.... see Aussies can fuck up a good relationship just like the best of them.. "
If she was the Aussie, then yes.
Otherwise, all you did was let the trash go. Bravo to you.
Be less tolerant next time (the one for you won't -EVER- put you through those kinda hoops).
~ Kole -
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Sat, July 19, 2008 - 6:59 AM....well it's been 24 hours since I sent her to find out what she neededto do, no calls, so I can only assume the date went ahead and she is with him now. It cuts deep and messy.
It will be interesting if I do get a call after today, I have no idea what she would say or what I would say to any scenario that could be considered.
I am Aussie and so is she, we both fucked this one up. -
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Sat, July 19, 2008 - 1:58 PMSeems to me the two of you were looking for very different things in the relationship. I think it's possible that all she's interested in right now is casual dating without a desire for a serious relationship of any kind. I can relate. After my divorce, I prefered casual dating relationships without any desire for more than that. I enjoyed exploring my sexual freedom.
She may have told you that she doesn't consider situations where she has sex on the first date to be potential life partnerships simply so that you would understand she isn't interested in pursuing serious relationships right now.
Just a thought.
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Sun, July 20, 2008 - 1:55 PMI had sex with my ex wife on our first date and we were married for 19 years. My current partner and I had sex on our first date and we're still together after 10+ years. I saw a study recently that said couples who had sex on their first date statistically have longer lasting relationships than those who waited.
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Re: Sex on the 1st date.. effect on along term relationship
Sun, July 20, 2008 - 5:06 PMThanks B and Brian, I think you are both right, but B is more accurate in this case.
I am moving on from Carolyn, I just cant do it. Fate has intervened anyway and am ok with where life ended up taking me. Who kows what the future holds, but would rather be friends with Carolyn than let this fester and turn smelly.
All of the comments much appreciated.
thankyou
Rossco
