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Why do I attract older men?

topic posted Wed, November 16, 2005 - 11:31 AM by  Rose
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For years I have always attracted men much older than I. I cannot remember the last time someone in my age group was interested in me or tried to “hit” on me even. Though most people think I am about 3-5 years younger because I haven’t changed much in years.

Now that I’m almost 27, the men have gotten older too (40+). When I meet someone who is in the 30-40 range I think of them as young even though I’m much younger than they are. My ex husband is also 12 years older than I am.

I don’t have a problem with it but as I go into my 30’s I doubt I would want to be with someone in his 50s long-term.

Why do I attract older men? Not that you would all know, but at least trying to get some ideas.
posted by:
Rose
SF Bay Area
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  • Bo
    Bo
    offline 80

    Re: Why do I attract older men?

    Wed, November 16, 2005 - 11:43 AM
    Good question...Probably b/c you are fascinating and beautiful and they seem to appreciate what's inside more than younger guys do. Maybe you are so confident that you intimidate the younger ones...Older men are more experienced, worldly and have bigger balls - more nerve to come up to you...

    That's my theory...Of course, I'm not an older man :-)
  • Unsu...
     

    Re: Why do I attract older men?

    Wed, November 16, 2005 - 11:57 AM
    i have the idea that most of us are attempting to heal ourselves from the relationship we had with our parents in our relationship with our lovers.

    you may look at that.

    you may also try something different like stopping letting men come to you, if this is what you have been doing and start seeking out who you are attracted to... and see who that is and if they are different.

    many of us like the maturity and grounded-ness of someone who is older.

    ~m
    • Re: Why do I attract older men?

      Wed, November 16, 2005 - 12:12 PM
      "you may also try something different like stopping letting men come to you, if this is what you have been doing and start seeking out who you are attracted to... and see who that is and if they are different"

      Ha ha. Every time I tried that in the past the results wasnt good. I've always tried for someone I was attracted to I regreted the decision.
  • Re: Why do I attract older men?

    Wed, November 16, 2005 - 1:06 PM
    <<older man here... 46..for a few more months

    I AM very attracted to women yur age, and younger even (legal age!!! I am a perv..just not that kind of perv)

    There are many reasons why I would be attracted to young women, and you being attracted to older men.

    One is the biological imperative. We may have evolved in a societal way much quicker than we have in a biological way. We are still very much the same as our predecessors from 100,000 yrs ago, and further back.

    Men's biological imperitive is to pass on his genes as far and wide as possible. Create as many copies of himself as he can. Younger women represent good breeders. Most likely to carry our genes to compleation. So, men are hardwired to seek out good breeders/young women.

    The female biological imperative is to find a good provider. Someone who will bring food and shelter and safety to the family. Older men (to a point) seem to posess more wisdom and skills to do those things. So, women are hardwirede to look for those qualities in a man, and, especially today, older men posess those qualities more than young dudes.

    OK, that the biological input. Now, the emotional aspect.

    I can't look into your head to know why you find older men attractive more than men (boys) your own age. My guess would be that you are attracted to emotional maturity, wisdom, and experience, both wordly and sexualy.

    From my perspective, being attracted to younger women is not quite as clear. For me, I think it tends to center more on the lust aspect. Also, I would bet I like being looked upon to be the teacher, not so much in a sexual sense, but, in a how the world works sense. It's great for my ego thats for sure.

    Now as realtionships go..I have not really been in a relationship with anyone more than 7 yrs younger than me. I have had some ongoing sexual relationships with younger women..but, not a commited serious relationship. I think, for me, that would be difficult at times because of the lack of similar references. With women closer to my age, we have similar memories of big events and media and such. We can have a sort of short hand in communicating., that does not exist with woman who are much younger than me.

    As for you thinking that you will always be attracted to older men...the age difference may very well shrink, so that when you are 35, you wont be looking for me in their 60s, but perhaps in their late 40s, and when you are in your mid 40s, you might be looking only for men your age..or..in the biggest irony...younger men in their 20s. :) cause really, a 45 yr old man just cant fuck like a 23 yr old :)
    • Re: Why do I attract older men?

      Wed, November 16, 2005 - 1:19 PM
      "cause really, a 45 yr old man just cant fuck like a 23 yr old :)"


      Thank God for that! My best lovers have been over 30.
      • Re: Why do I attract older men?

        Wed, November 16, 2005 - 3:02 PM
        I think you attract older men because you are wise beyond your years and you know that a 38 year old is better than a 23 year old, not just in bed ;) there is a lot to be said for maturity and for having your head on straight.
  • Re: Why do I attract older men?

    Wed, November 16, 2005 - 1:40 PM
    Ow ow..ok I understand, but. Now I know how woman over fifty feel. Do what is right for you..or both lol
    • Re: Why do I attract older men?

      Wed, November 16, 2005 - 4:31 PM
      As the only guy here who is in fact younger than MTV (by 13 days anyway), I feel like I should leap to defend the openness, sensitivity and raw sexual prowess of the young North American male... but I got nothing to work with!

      Any thoughts on why this is? There's not a lot of work done on what makes *men* uncomfortable in society, but I think it takes us by and large a longer time to come to grips with ourselves as physical (including physical/sexual beings). Mass media may make sure that women are never comfortable in their own skin, but communication is so bad among my generation that it takes most men until around 30 to even become self-aware and say "huh? what? I'm in skin?"

      Have a look around the tribes you're in... it's surprising how few young guys there are--say, under 30 even, who are comfortable enough with themselves to be signed up to any tribe that provokes sexual frankness. And yet, guys over 40 seem to have no trouble at all with it. Suggests to me that somewhere between 30 and 40 is now the grey area where men start to become "experienced" lovers. And I don't think it means they suddenly GET more experience, so much as become aware of the experience they have, and start using it. Something like a man who thinks "well, I'm pushing 40. I'm supposed to be experienced. I'd better look back and see what I've learned."

      I think the process is the same for both sexes--but by and large, like an "emotional puberty," happens later for guys than girls. It would explain why the guys in this club are typically older than the women, but why despite being an 18+ club you'd never find an 18-year-old, of either sex, posting somewhere like this.

      As for me at 24, maybe I'm just an early bloomer emotionally, or maybe old before my time. Where was I going with this? I can't remember, but I need to lie down. Where did I put my glasses?

      "It's not the years, honey; it's the mileage."
      --Indiana Jones
      • Unsu...
         

        Re: Why do I attract older men?

        Thu, November 17, 2005 - 8:47 AM
        Gulf said:

        ""Suggests to me that somewhere between 30 and 40 is now the grey area where men start to become "experienced" lovers.""

        Yep that's when the grey area happen. :)

        yes the way you talk here has impressed me as wise beyond your years.

        ~m
  • Re: Why do I attract older men?

    Wed, November 16, 2005 - 9:57 PM
    Errr, well...probably because you are beautiful AND interesting, lol (the yunguns tend to not care about the latter, he he he). An odd thing that I remember from my days as a moosician (recent) was that I'd rather be buttonholed by someone late 20s and up, mainly because we could actually have an intelligent conversaion (in fact, a couple of people from those days are still good friends)(errr, I'm married, so anything else is outta the question).

    I'm actually remembering an interesting conversation I had with the singer/bass player. There was a woman who I later found out was 29 in the audience, who ended up coming to an awful lot of shows. I made the comment "Isn't X beautiful?" and this young pup said "What?? She's almost 30 and isn't thin." to which I replied "OH YEAH!!!!! Perfection!" he he he. The singer is only 3 years younger than me, but in our perceptions, we are of different generations. He was 33 and I was 36 at the time. If I had been single, that was the kind of person who would have interested me (3 hour conversations on how to install a nitrus injector into a Mitsubishi with an aftermarket blower....and I still think her design would have simply blown up, lol). BUT, the young kids who would come up after shows....lotsa smiling, handshaking, and the like....and absolutely nothing to talk about, and since part of my job was to keep the customers in the clubs after the shows, gimme people who I can talk with....which always ended up being late 20s to late 60s, lol.

    I have a friend who is in his late 50s, married to a woman in her early 30s....it really isn't an issue for *them* (aside from the fact that his youngest daughter is younger than his oldest granddaughter, which drives him nuts, the latest addition was unplanned).
    • Re: Why do I attract older men?

      Thu, November 17, 2005 - 12:01 AM
      "I have a friend who is in his late 50s, married to a woman in her early 30s....it really isn't an issue for *them* (aside from the fact that his youngest daughter is younger than his oldest granddaughter, which drives him nuts, the latest addition was unplanned). "


      Thats the thing, I do want to have a family some day and I dont know too many older guys who are interested in that.
      • Unsu...
         

        Re: Why do I attract older men?

        Thu, November 17, 2005 - 8:43 AM
        ""Thats the thing, I do want to have a family some day and I dont know too many older guys who are interested in that. ""

        if you worry about that now it will hinder your having a good time now.
        you have no idea what the future brings... things change and so do you.

        you may be with an younger man when you are 40... who wants you to have his baby.

        have fun, and keep trying new things.

        and what you talked about as having bad experiences when going after someone you were attracted to... that is natural. (now you know how it is to be a guy trying to meet women) just keep trying... keep going for what and who you are attracted to... there you will find yourself.

        ~m
        (old wise one)
      • Re: Why do I attract older men?

        Fri, November 18, 2005 - 12:29 AM
        After reading all the posts (which I had to do once I read the line "cause really, a 45 yr old man just cant fuck like a 23 yr old") I'm pleased to see that everyone agrees a 45yr old is generally better than the 23 yr old.
        BUT... I'd like to say, if necessary a 45yr old guy could if he wanted to (and being just 43 - there has been a few times when "going for it" like a 23 yr old was fun) - but generally doesn't, since most woman want a good time :-)

        As to having a family. There are plenty of guys who would enjoy a family, even if they are 40-something now. I know I would be perfectly ok about children, it's part of what I enjoy about living. I think it's programmed into me genetically to love kids, help them grow up, but also I'm starting to think it's more than just genetics, but more the "meaning of life" in a spiritual sense to have kids too.
  • Re: Why do I attract older men?

    Thu, November 17, 2005 - 7:07 PM
    I've got a similar reality, Rose. I think that it has a lot to do with attitude. Older men seem much more comfortable with a woman who's strong and independent and who's got herself figured out somewhat. They aren't as intimidated by that strength as younger men are.

    And Bernie....no, a 45 year old can't fuck like a 25 year old, but it's sooooo much sweeter ;o)
    • Re: Why do I attract older men?

      Thu, November 17, 2005 - 9:16 PM
      no, a 45 year old can't fuck like a 25 year old, but it's sooooo much sweeter ;o)

      Copy that!

      Yeah..when I first posted that, it was more about stamina and frequency (quantity) not quality.

      I think an older man is not so focused on his own pleasure as a young man is. He is more likely to be better at, and more concerned with his partner's pleasure than a younger man.

      (funny..I talked about this in theraphy today)
      • Re: Why do I attract older men?

        Thu, November 17, 2005 - 9:22 PM
        <I think an older man is not so focused on his own pleasure as a young man is. He is more likely to be better at, and more concerned with his partner's pleasure than a younger man. >

        that's part of it. The men I've been with who have been older are so much more relaxed about their pleasure and about the pleasure we create together. It's less "goal oriented" and more about feeling the groove together. But then, I've been spoiled by a couple of really remarkable older men. *grins fondly at the memories*
      • Re: Why do I attract older men?

        Fri, November 18, 2005 - 12:36 AM
        Bernie wrote: it was more about stamina and frequency (quantity) not quality...

        At least in this model, stamina and frequency has not waned over the years. If anything, I have grown to have more stamina, since I know how to be more in control of my abilities, but the frequency things seems to have not changed. If anything, more recently I have had more record breaking times/day events, than when I was younger.

        Yes, quality has improved, and my focus has grown more on pleasing both, but I never was on pleasing myself only, even younger I wanted to make sure she had a good time. But I know I'm not any stereotype - which I find great pleasure knowing and enjoy being reminded (even if someone is talking about my work method is unique, if they mean it as a compliment, I enjoy it).

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